Entry #3

Chapter 1... Or should I call it Chapter 2?

2007-08-22 06:45:16 by SupraZerg

I don't know why I have decided to write this story, since the only one who posted from the named 'writers guild' in a way that I could always see had been banned from it!
Please, post not in the forum, but on my profile.
Thanks, MonkeyV.
Here it goes!!:

Chapter 1

Vannaka quickly went for the stairs and climbed up the stairs five by five. In less than 10 seconds he was near Dezzick, looking at the... lets call it 'thing' trying to enter.

-What is it?- Vannaka was stunned, and thought the thing he was seeing was a dream.

-Before it had been a man, well, and a horse, but not stuck together, now they are 'cos the Black Knigh, with his dark magic had joint they bodies... And organs too. - Dezzick whispered

Vannaka thought of a man, and a horse... It was impossible for him to thinks that could exist.

-It is like a centaur, but an artificial centaur. - Dezzick said-

-Are you going to let it enter?

-Of course not... we have to kill him.

Vannaka's face turned as cold as hatred as he said they should.
They went down the stairs and opened the door.

Dezzick was thinking about a surprise attack after letting him enter, but just when opening the door, Vannaka roared and charged


Comments

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PhantomPhantom

2007-08-22 08:56:49

I'm sorry man but I can't really say a lot of positive about this story, but I can try to help you:

1). Use quotation marks for dialog, example: "Blah blah", not -blah blah-.

2). Length is not always a problem, but a longer story with bigger chapters will let you explain the characters and events better.

3). try to use slightly higher language when writing, the thing about writing is that you use a language about the every day one, that better describes the events taking place.

4). Sentence 2: "lets call it 'thing' " you switch from third person story teller to first person witness style telling, both can be used, but choose only one for each story and stick to it.

Hope I could help, you have a long way to go but it could be done.

SupraZerg responds:

I'll make sure that I remember changing it!! thanks phantom.
But the -blahblah- is characteristic on m country, that's why I put them, not an error!!
and:
1) already answered
2) true, but this is not my computer, and I cannot be in middle of the story and be cut, so... when I have a moment I'll re-write it bigger
3) English is not my first languaje, I dont know a lot yet, bu I'l give to my teacher to see how's it going, and to do some corrections and then re-post.
4) this one is not an error, and can be done naturally.