Love Playing both Comp and Piano. My Hobbies are those. 2Moons ROX!! Newgrounds ROX!! GG GL HF Keep up good work every1, and game-makers, GG, cause I know its difficult to do even a shit game xD
Age 29, Male
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The British School of Cordoba
Cordoba, Spain
Joined on 7/22/07
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Phantom
I'm sorry man but I can't really say a lot of positive about this story, but I can try to help you:
1). Use quotation marks for dialog, example: "Blah blah", not -blah blah-.
2). Length is not always a problem, but a longer story with bigger chapters will let you explain the characters and events better.
3). try to use slightly higher language when writing, the thing about writing is that you use a language about the every day one, that better describes the events taking place.
4). Sentence 2: "lets call it 'thing' " you switch from third person story teller to first person witness style telling, both can be used, but choose only one for each story and stick to it.
Hope I could help, you have a long way to go but it could be done.
SupraZerg
I'll make sure that I remember changing it!! thanks phantom.
But the -blahblah- is characteristic on m country, that's why I put them, not an error!!
and:
1) already answered
2) true, but this is not my computer, and I cannot be in middle of the story and be cut, so... when I have a moment I'll re-write it bigger
3) English is not my first languaje, I dont know a lot yet, bu I'l give to my teacher to see how's it going, and to do some corrections and then re-post.
4) this one is not an error, and can be done naturally.